I’ve been pretty open about the fact that I’ve gained weight since I started working from home about 18 months ago. Less time on my feet and constant access to my fridge has added almost 30 pounds to a frame that could’ve stood to lose 10 already. And while I’ve been honest about my struggles, I haven’t truly committed myself to change.
After stepping on the scale last weekend, and seeing a number that I said I’d never let myself get to, I realized that it was time to do the hard stuff. The hard stuff for me isn’t diet or exercise (though those are hard); it’s the self-reflection that is necessary to truly make a lifestyle change. It’s painfully taking a look at myself and discovering why I eat too much, why I don’t exercise, and how I can change my coping strategies when life gets hard. I’ve had to take a honest look at the things about myself that I don’t like. I’ve had to be willing to do the praying, crying, and confessing needed to truly change my habits. I’ve had to see my laziness, procrastination, and lack of willpower, I mean really see them, to begin to start to change.
As I type this, I am enduring a headache that Advil can’t touch, as my body wonders where the sugar and gluten it loves so much has gone. I made my son a bowl of cereal this morning, and all I wanted to do was bury my face in it. Seriously. It’s embarrassing. Everything in me wants to eat a cupcake right now. But I can’t. Not because cupcakes are bad or food is bad. But because in the past I’ve vacillated from “I can do this!” to “I can do this…tomorrow,” in a matter of hours.
I’m ashamed at how quickly I’ve chosen the easiest and most comfortable path, instead of the harder and more rewarding one. I’m constantly telling my sons about the importance of hard work, but I haven’t been willing to do the work myself. I’m quick to complain about my weight, but I’m not quick to do the things necessary to change it.
I haven’t successfully lost weight in the past because I’ve never really committed. But now it’s time.