Sent to Amanda at 11:00 a.m:

I am sitting here crying over this book I am reading, but also really crying about everything else. I hate January. I miss my dad. I wish he weren’t gone.

And I hate how I feel like I can’t cry about it because I have to hold it together for everyone else.

But all I want to do is cry.

I have so much work to do, but I just want to cry.

I am sorry I am unloading all of this on you but I don’t know who else to tell.

And this stupid voice in my head keeps telling me it’s been six years and I just need to get over it. I have friends that have lost spouses and children and that is way worse.

But he’s gone. I feel like a part of me is gone. And when it’s cold and gray and awful it’s all I can think about.

I just want to cry. I want to sit and cry and feel all of these horrible feelings so I can just feel them and stop burying them.

But there are so many other things to do. I feel selfish for even feeling this way.

I’m sorry for all of this word vomit. But if I don’t get it out I will go crazy.

I know you are going to come back and read all of this and think I have lost it.

I just don’t feel like I even have time to feel my feelings anymore.