I haven’t written many posts about what’s going on in my life lately. Honestly, I haven’t really known what to say. It’s not that things or bad, or that I am sad; it’s just a weird transition period I am trying to figure out.
August came in like a freight train, with the oldest starting his hybrid school experience — three days learning at home, two days at school. He was worried about making friends, and a little scared when I walked him in the first day. By the second day he was running in the door and barely saying goodbye. A little piece of my heart went on without me.
In the middle of the adjustment to our new routine, we went on vacation. It was wonderful, but it was another disruption. I already felt lost, and getting ready for, and then recovering from, vacation really threw me for a loop.
Of course, my youngest had to have his moment, too. The week after we came back from vacation, he started preschool. His first time at a school without me there. He walked in on the first day, found his name tag, and was basically done with me from that point forward. I was so proud, and so crushed. I had one more schedule to keep straight, and one more child moving on and doing things that didn’t involve me.
I feel like my life is moving at 1000 miles an hour, and I am struggling to hang on. The kids are thriving, but I feel completely detached from my own life. It’s been a month and a half since all this change started, and I still feel like I’m not acting, just reacting. I feel like I’m not an active participant in my own life. It’s strange, and unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.
At church on Sunday, I was deeply moved. I sobbed through the worship music, I sobbed through baptisms, and I sobbed through the sermon. Along with my emotion came relief. I could still feel deeply connected to something! Sure, I was a blubbering mess, but I was so grateful that I felt anything strong enough to elicit that response. It almost felt as though the whole experience was designed specifically for me, although I know I wasn’t the only one touched by the service. But I felt the personal connection to my life, and to Him, that I had been missing for some time.
Where do I go from here? I’m not entirely sure, but I am seeking out more experiences that make me feel. I am asking God to show me what’s next. And I am getting by. Day by day.
You may look at my blog (or any other) and think that because there are lots of cute pictures of my kids riding trains and exploring museums that we have some sort of ideal life. I wanted to write this post because I wanted you to know that in the midst of all of that, I struggle. It’s not perfect; sometimes it downright sucks. There’s lots of good things about being me — but there are also moments where I feel like I am barely keeping it together. Or entire months.
Putting words to all these feelings is scary for me; it makes it real. But making it real is the only way to deal with it. And I don’t want to look back on this exciting year in our lives and only remember feeling lost and alone. So here it is, y’all. Life is hard, and I am struggling.
How are you? I really want to know.