This past Father’s Day is the third one I’ve had without you here. I would have thought that this day would get easier for me, but it seems to only be getting harder. Most days I am fine, but there is something about Father’s Day that makes me miss you so much. When I pass a display of Father’s Day cards, I still have to remind myself that you are not here, so I won’t be buying you a card anymore. My husband suggested that I buy you a card and leave it for you at the cemetery, but I just can’t do that yet. I don’t even like to read the cards because they make me sad. You are exactly the kind of father those greeting cards describe, and knowing that I can’t tell you that in person anymore is too difficult right now.
I don’t have any regrets. I know that you loved me, and I know you know that I loved you. And still do. I am not angry at God or anyone else about the fact that you are no longer alive. I understand that death is a part of life, and after you passed the only thing that got me through was knowing your faith in Jesus Christ meant that you were in a much better place than this world. But I still miss you. I still wish I could see you one more time, and get one more hug.
The biggest thing I wish is that you could see the boys. A week before you passed, we called and told you that the little one we were expecting was a boy, and your middle name would be his first name. Now we have two boys, and they are so beautiful. Daddy, you would love them. The oldest one is looking more like our side of the family all the time, and when he makes certain faces, he looks just like you. I wish you could see him. He is so smart, and so joyful. His little brother is a laid back and mellow little guy, who loves to look around and take everything in. They love each other, and already love to play together. Our older boy already knows who you are; he looks at your picture and tells me you are in heaven. I am so thankful that you are in heaven, but a big part of me wishes that for just one day you could come down and meet your grandchildren.
Daddy, if you were here today, I hope that you would be proud of me. I hope you would be proud of the parent that I have become. Your opinion of me has always mattered more than anyone else’s. I hope that I can be the kind of parent that you were to me. You always spent time with me, you always made time for me, and I always knew that you loved me, no matter what. You didn’t do everything for me, but you encouraged me to learn how to do things for myself. When I succeeded, you applauded me. When I failed, you supported me and helped me learn. I hope that I can be that same type of parent. Strict, but always loving. Always teaching something. Always there when I needed you.
I miss you, I love you, and I can’t wait to see you again.